Is it just me? Am I going crazy? (Probably!) My OWN mind is going all Final Destination on my ass!!!! Let me give you a couple of scenarios it cooks up for me….
The Shop Signs hanging overhead.
I’ll be out walking about doing me bits ‘n’ pieces, and I’ll look up and notice the shop signs overhead. Most of them are pretty safe looking, i.e lying flat, safely attached to the building front, but you get the odd “sticky out” one. Ya know like ye olde pub sign. Hanging there, attached by tiny, probably ancient brackets, swaying precariously in the breeze or God forbid, crashing about like headbanger at a Metallica concert!!! So yeah, I look up and my mind will go “hey Don, that is definitely gonna fall on you. Right down on top ya.” As if telling me that is not enough, Mind (we’ll name my mind, Mind for now) will pan backwards and show me myself spread-eagled on the path with a shop sign embedded in my head and my brains and blood leaking out onto the path! Thanks a bunch Mind!!
(I have actually seen this happen…it wasn’t as gorey in real life but the guy was hurt and an ambulance was called.)
Bus/Lorry wing mirrors.
This one is probably most likely to happen when you’re standing innocently at the pedestrian crossing waiting to cross….or walking along the footpathless roads at home. So yeah, you’re standing there thinking about what you’re gonna have for dinner, not minding the bus coming along your side of the road. Now you don’t really need to mind that bus ‘cos you’re standing on the path…you’re SAFE!! Hah! Are you? What if you get one of those asshat bus drivers that drive extremely close to the footpath? BOOM! You’ve been walloped in the head by the bus’ wing mirror…you’re face is now mush! Are you even alive? (Ok so you would have to be pretty tall for this to happen but still….)
The old Sash Windows in our house.
Not long after we moved in here last year, we had a really windy night…like struggle to walk forward type winds…and by jayzus does the wind fly like a cruise missile down our road. At about 2.00 in the morning I woke up, actually Hubster woke too, to the sound of the wind rattling the be-jeezus out of the windows. Our bedroom door even shut!! I swear to God, only for Mind decided to cut me some slack on this one and confirm it was the wind, I would’ve thought the house was possessed!! I couldn’t sleep until the wind died down, every time I closed my eyes, I could see the windows shattering inwards, butchering us in our sleep!
The landlord has since installed draft excluders…thank fubluck!
The dodgey stair layout in our house.
It just makes no sense! You need to look at the photo for this one. I mean it’s just an accident waiting to kill me! I’ll come out of the utility room one night, carrying a bottle of wine…actually more likely a couple of bottles of strawberry and lime cider…but you know it’ll be glass ‘cos that’s how it works when you’re gonna die! Anyway I’ll forget that stupid step and tumble to my doom at the bottom of the stairs, impaled by a bottle of cider! Small Monkey will be upstairs crying and Hubster won’t be able to get the door when he comes from work, ‘cos my mangled body is blocking the door. He doesn’t know that though so he keeps pushing the door, squashing my head into my neck (I landed with my head against the door…two dead eyes staring widely upwards), my neck into my torso…squashing me more. Ya see? See what Mind does to me??
The Cranes a street over from us.
Over the past 9 months there has been some building works going on a street over from us (you can’t really tell from the photo but they’re actually a lot closer). The wind also has a starring role in this scenario too. I was sitting here the other day, mind numbed from the millionth episode of Peppa on tv, looking out the window at the cranes SWAYING in the wind!!! Not only could I see the hook bit to ‘n’ froing but I could actually see the cranes body/scaffolding swaying too!!! Of course Mind thought she’d be smart and pipe up at this point….”ooh if the wind gets stronger that crane could break, I mean look at it swaying…it’s not rooted properly. It could break and fall this way and if it’s not tall enough to land in our sitting room, the “hooky chain bit will of course have extra speed from falling behind it and it will slice through the roof of your house!!”
AAAAGH!! DO ONE BRAIN!!
So my question is, is it just my head that likes to draw up these grim ends to my being or do you have imaginings like this too?
(For the love of God say you do!!)
G’luck out there