Yay! Summer holiday time (Boo! The ridiculous hike upwards in travel prices). Yay if you get to actually get on a plane and go some where! Boo…actually God love ya if, like me, your child, the beautiful angel traveller you thought you knew turns into a monster.
I can’t start at the beginning because I can’t actually remember our outward journey but by jayzus….the return journey has to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me whilst travelling. Here we go….
We’re standing in the queue to our already delayed flight, Small Monkey, my Sis and me. There’s some fairly toff-nosed business looking guys behind us and the two cool dudes, my Sis felt were trying to stand on her shoulders in a previous queue ahead of us. Joy of f**king joys lads, this is the beginning of my nightmare. If any of ye know my sis, you’ll know patience is not her strongest point and she wasn’t very impressed with being close to these guys again, Small Monkey is starting to be a butt and they’ve already thrown us a look. Our flight is delayed, Monkey decides he doesn’t want to queue, I don’t blame him, I don’t want to queue either. However wandering off to hang out of a manky rubbish bin is not cool though and, after asking him three times already to come back, I go and drag him back to the queue. He’s not impressed! I’m not bloody impressed either, I now have an unbalanced suitcase leaning on my leg, a gym bag slung over my shoulder, cutting into me and a wiggley worm child hanging out of me. The business guys look on snootily. Monkey is being quite the arse now though to be fair, with shouts like “stop, you’re hurting me” and “letttt meee oooout”. He starts head butting my leg, I’d like to point out here, I dunno where he gets that from. I’ve never head butted anyone except for this one time in third year….I don’t even headbutt hubby when he’s scaling my last nerves! To look at him, you’d think I was skinning him alive. I HATE when he does this to me, it breaks my heart and I feel so cruel, BUT this is an airport and running off to play is not an option. My sister is not impressed now either. I’m not sure if she wants to murder Monkey for being a butt or me for failing to control him. This hurts me too ‘cos I now feel somewhat of a failure but I’m at my wits end. Monkey is now laying on the floor kicking at the Cool Dudes bag! FML!! I know my sister meant well when she started telling him off, but I was cracking under the pressure. The judgey looks from Business Guys, Cool Dudes, the embarrassment that my Sis thinks I’m not firm enough (it’s very hard to be firm with your child in public), the disbelief that my child could do this to me, the heat, the jayzus bags hanging off me…I felt so bad when my reply to her telling him off was “when you have a child and you know what this is like, then you can tell him off, otherwise I’ll deal with him”.
Surprisingly, the further fecking delay to our flight was just the break we all needed. The queue dispersed and we went to sit on the window, where I could now deposit Small Monkey to watch the airplanes. My back was breaking, I was being stubborn, I was now carrying him, who was still tryna get a few headbutts in, the gym bag, which had now indented my shoulder and wheeling the curse-a-god wobbley suitcase. I wanted to cry, I know I was inside.
We’re finally on the plane….guess what? Delayed!!! Sitting on the runway now…thanks for the change of scenery Ryanair. Small Monkey has the window seat, my sister the aisle. In my head I’m singing “butthole child to the left of me, moody sis to right, here I am stuck in the middle, f**k me!”. Monkey is getting fidgety again…he’s playing with the blinds on the windows and wants to get ooooooout!! I do too! Me brain is melting! Woooo! We’re leaving. we’re departing….hail Buddha, Allah and Jesus! I put the seatbelt on fartarse, he’s not impressed but he really kicks up a stink when I tell him the blinds must stay up. By jayzus lads!! I was at the end of my tether, my sis leaned across and told Monkey he was in serious trouble. The rest of the flight was pretty much spent with Monkey crying and SCREAMING to get out, me facing away from my sis and the rest of the plane but dreading looking at my monster child, silently crying. I bribed him with sweets, colouring book and the one thing that would have worked was the f**kity, f**k f**k ipad thingy (it’s not an actual ipad) which froze literally as Cars started. Things got so bad he eventually got a smack on the hand, which sounded like it echoed all over the plane adding tears of guilt to what already fell.
Thankfully we landed without anybody being murdered or exiting the plane mid Irish Sea. The only thing that made that flight a little better was another passenger telling me, she understood why he was behaving that way and not to worry, it happens. Thank you stranger. xx
You’ve read this far and you think it’s over….so did I lads, so did I. Cue the train journey from hell!! It began with Monkey being a complete bum in the station. This involved more laying and rolling on the floor, planking or flipping backwards violently when I picked him up…more screaming that I was hurting him. It didn’t get any better on the platform….screaming and crying and slapping Mammy. My Sis wasn’t impressed and even started to cry, saying she couldn’t stand seeing him treat me like this. What do you say to that? This made me sad and I felt even more of a d**k parent. The actual train journey didn’t get any better with me having to take him into the little sectioned off 1st class part of the carriage (obvs empty) where we had a little chat involving me taking all a nearly three year olds worldly goods away….eventually he calmed down and apologised to his auntie and me for “shouting & screaming”.
Still I tearfully phoned hubby and told him to meet us at the station with the buggy…and the cattle prod!
Happy travels peeps! xx