You seemed a bit off?

“Did you enjoy the wedding?” says Ma, “you seemed a bit off?” and indeed I was. I mean I did enjoy my bro’s wedding but I’ve had smoother days to be honest.

It’s 10.30.”Hubs, Hubs get up will ya and get Small Monkey ready, I’m going hairdressers”. Yeah, yeah, he grunted and off I went in me pjs. My sis dropped me up the road to get me hair done, this was the first time, bar my own wedding I’ve actually just gone to the hairdressers to have somebody style my hair. Ma and sis had already been up and were home getting stuff sorted.

Hair done, ready to go but the hairdresser is advising me not to walk down the road in the wind with the suspicion of rain. I could see her point but I’d already waited 10mins and time was of the essence….thankfully my Uncle rolled up. At home I’m greeted with my son still dressed in his pjs, my Hub still in bed and my sister saying can you do the boys hair!!! Jayzus Christ!! Much shouting at Hub-sack ensues as I gel the kids hair, achieving nothing. I could already feel the offish-ness creeping in.The weddings at 1.00, I’m still painting my Ma’s nails at 12.30…like it’s nearly 4 miles away and Ma never leaves the house on time. Anyway we get there before the gorgeous bride and all is well with the world.

Woooo!! After an epic bridal party entrance, it’s food time. We’re sat at the table with our Small Monkey and two monkey nephews, they’re pretty good to be fair, until all three head under the table. Things are wobbling. The guy across from myself, hubby and Emma says, “I hope if anything falls it goes that way” inclining his head toward us. I kid you not, 2 minutes later I was sitting there soaked through to me knickers….not fcuking happy lads!! Nothing landed on hubby but he had the cheek to seem more annoyed than me…in fairness I’d quickly slipped on my “I’m-a-cool-Mammy-they’re-only-kids-nothing-phases-me” face, whilst actually wanting to murder all four of them….yeah four…that’s the three kids and your man across the table for putting the heebie jeebies on it! Trying to dry off under the hand dryer was futile…like pissing against the wind!

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Expert concealment there lads!

The day wanders on and I decide I need to take the contacts out. On the way back from the car (to get the stuff to soak them in, which I initially forgot) I met my grumbling hubby and whingey child. “What’s up?”…”He’s shit himself!”. Ah for feck sake!! Small Monkey has mastered the “I need to wee” but when it comes to poo, he’d rather look at you like he’s tryna squeeze a football out of his butt, then tell you he’s started. All three of us trudge into the lift. Small Monkey stinks! Once in the room I proceed to take my contacts out, after all hubby started his journey up here to deal with the poo, he must intend to finish it. Of course though, he’s just faffing about in the bathroom with Small Monkey moaning. “For the love of God, will ya sort the child out” I snipe. And I was snipey, the fcuking contacts weren’t co-operating! So I’m now up one red eye and proceeding to poke my left eye, hubby’s in the toilet heaving ‘cos he has to deal with an insanely stinky poo and Small Monkey is fretting. Seriously!!! My left eye is now redder than my right and I dunno whether the contact is in or out…for a second I thought I blinked it out when I glanced into the loo for visual confirmation that hubby was now puking rather than just heaving. Jeezus Christ!! I start shouting at hubby to man up, the child is crying. I’m clawing at the carpet tryna find the fecking contact and would you believe poor hubby is still trying to be helpful to me. ( He finally got the child out of his trousers, which I rinsed and left in the bath til later. I then bagged them and threw them in the suitcase forgetting about them. They went back to the hire place in that state! Eeek!!) No joy with the contact and a battle to get Small Monkey’s shoes back on, we head back to the party. 160529011833_wm

I don’t know why, but I find it extremely hard to let loose and enjoy myself when Small Monkey’s around. It’s not like he’s extremely hard to look after but I just don’t feel like I can drink freely if you know what I mean, when he’s about. I feel like I become really uptight, that paired with my itchy, red eyes, still damp dress and the fact the wait staff took my fcuking dessert…yes…I am now the Queen of Fcuking Offish-ness!

P.S. Apart from all that, it was a really good day with some amazing shapes thrown…my Hubbalump the proud owner of some.

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Congrats Phil & Sinead

Love Donna xx

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Poo stories!

20151020_000542Yep as the title suggests, this post is about actual poo. Small Monkey may read this one day and not appreciate it, however it makes me laugh so I’m gonna go ahead and suffer the consequences innnn….ah 16yrs or so!! 😀

Let me ask a question first…why in God’s name is toddler poo so stinky? How can something so bad come out of somebody so small? I’m not saying I smell of roses and flower petals, although if you were to ask, I do not poo. I had my poo glands removed, however if I was to poo, yes it would actually smell of roses and other gorgeous flowers, of course!

Anyway….Poo story number one….this is set not long after Small Monkey started walking and we were still getting into the swing of breakfast. Our little routine, so to speak, was get up, change the “night” bum and then we’re ready for brekkie. For some reason this particular morning, I didn’t change his nappy straight away, it must have felt like there was still space in there, but I did take his pj’s off so he just had his vest on. So I was in the bedroom, when Small Monkey strolls in, proudly holding up his finger to show me something orange stuck to the tip of it. I lunged at him to grab it, ‘cos you just dunno what these little people pick up, he went to shove it in his mouth, but I caught him. I took it off his finger, I’m looking at it, it’s soft and squishy. It’s a CARROT!!! Where the jayzus did he get a carrot? I mopped the floors and tidied the kitchen the night before….the night before when we had carrots with dinner!!! I knew then what it was, but I still put my finger to my nose for a sniff….it was a carrot, a POO CARROT!!! From his nappy!!! He’d somehow had a sneaky poo and picked it out of his nappy!!! Jayzus!!

Poo story number two; It’s summer, we’re on a train to see my sister and I always take Small Monkey out of the buggy to sit in the seat beside me, so he can look out the window. Everything’s cool. I’ve put him on the seat, he’s standing looking out the window, I turn back to the buggy to make sure the brakes are on, and turn back to him again. There’s something on the seat, it’s small, about 2inches long and chocolate coloured. Oh good jeezus, it’s POO!!!!!I look at Small Monkey’s legs, there’s nothing there….no escaping poo marks. I grab a wipe to dispose of this mysterious poo and it’s when I pick it up, as if by magic both it and Small Monkey start to stink! For feck sake!! It was as if picking up the escaped poo had tripped a switch and Lord God was it kicking up. Of course I changed him but man, was I baffled as to how this piece of poo escaped what seemed to be an “escape-tight” nappy and got down his leg without a mark. Imagine if he’d been wearing trousers?!! It would’ve been trapped in there, squashing around on his leg!! Bleugh!!

So there ya go, nothing like a coupla poo stories to start your day! You’re welcome!

Enjoy!

Donna xx