You seemed a bit off?

“Did you enjoy the wedding?” says Ma, “you seemed a bit off?” and indeed I was. I mean I did enjoy my bro’s wedding but I’ve had smoother days to be honest.

It’s 10.30.”Hubs, Hubs get up will ya and get Small Monkey ready, I’m going hairdressers”. Yeah, yeah, he grunted and off I went in me pjs. My sis dropped me up the road to get me hair done, this was the first time, bar my own wedding I’ve actually just gone to the hairdressers to have somebody style my hair. Ma and sis had already been up and were home getting stuff sorted.

Hair done, ready to go but the hairdresser is advising me not to walk down the road in the wind with the suspicion of rain. I could see her point but I’d already waited 10mins and time was of the essence….thankfully my Uncle rolled up. At home I’m greeted with my son still dressed in his pjs, my Hub still in bed and my sister saying can you do the boys hair!!! Jayzus Christ!! Much shouting at Hub-sack ensues as I gel the kids hair, achieving nothing. I could already feel the offish-ness creeping in.The weddings at 1.00, I’m still painting my Ma’s nails at 12.30…like it’s nearly 4 miles away and Ma never leaves the house on time. Anyway we get there before the gorgeous bride and all is well with the world.

Woooo!! After an epic bridal party entrance, it’s food time. We’re sat at the table with our Small Monkey and two monkey nephews, they’re pretty good to be fair, until all three head under the table. Things are wobbling. The guy across from myself, hubby and Emma says, “I hope if anything falls it goes that way” inclining his head toward us. I kid you not, 2 minutes later I was sitting there soaked through to me knickers….not fcuking happy lads!! Nothing landed on hubby but he had the cheek to seem more annoyed than me…in fairness I’d quickly slipped on my “I’m-a-cool-Mammy-they’re-only-kids-nothing-phases-me” face, whilst actually wanting to murder all four of them….yeah four…that’s the three kids and your man across the table for putting the heebie jeebies on it! Trying to dry off under the hand dryer was futile…like pissing against the wind!

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Expert concealment there lads!

The day wanders on and I decide I need to take the contacts out. On the way back from the car (to get the stuff to soak them in, which I initially forgot) I met my grumbling hubby and whingey child. “What’s up?”…”He’s shit himself!”. Ah for feck sake!! Small Monkey has mastered the “I need to wee” but when it comes to poo, he’d rather look at you like he’s tryna squeeze a football out of his butt, then tell you he’s started. All three of us trudge into the lift. Small Monkey stinks! Once in the room I proceed to take my contacts out, after all hubby started his journey up here to deal with the poo, he must intend to finish it. Of course though, he’s just faffing about in the bathroom with Small Monkey moaning. “For the love of God, will ya sort the child out” I snipe. And I was snipey, the fcuking contacts weren’t co-operating! So I’m now up one red eye and proceeding to poke my left eye, hubby’s in the toilet heaving ‘cos he has to deal with an insanely stinky poo and Small Monkey is fretting. Seriously!!! My left eye is now redder than my right and I dunno whether the contact is in or out…for a second I thought I blinked it out when I glanced into the loo for visual confirmation that hubby was now puking rather than just heaving. Jeezus Christ!! I start shouting at hubby to man up, the child is crying. I’m clawing at the carpet tryna find the fecking contact and would you believe poor hubby is still trying to be helpful to me. ( He finally got the child out of his trousers, which I rinsed and left in the bath til later. I then bagged them and threw them in the suitcase forgetting about them. They went back to the hire place in that state! Eeek!!) No joy with the contact and a battle to get Small Monkey’s shoes back on, we head back to the party. 160529011833_wm

I don’t know why, but I find it extremely hard to let loose and enjoy myself when Small Monkey’s around. It’s not like he’s extremely hard to look after but I just don’t feel like I can drink freely if you know what I mean, when he’s about. I feel like I become really uptight, that paired with my itchy, red eyes, still damp dress and the fact the wait staff took my fcuking dessert…yes…I am now the Queen of Fcuking Offish-ness!

P.S. Apart from all that, it was a really good day with some amazing shapes thrown…my Hubbalump the proud owner of some.

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Congrats Phil & Sinead

Love Donna xx

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3 meltdowns, 13 minutes!

I’ve just sat down to have a wee and I hear “Mammy, where are you?”. “In the bathroom sweet, what’s up?… What you doing?”….I raise my eyebrows…”having a wee”. “I have wee too” and the door flings open. Ugh! The three minutes of me (wee) time is gone, but he is the cutest thing I ever seen so I don’t mind sharing my bathroom time to much. “Look Mammy, look what I got” as he holds his little hand up to me. I can see he has something tiny between his thumb and index finger. “What ya got Baby?”. He smiles at me….a boogie he says! “Ah for Gods sake, Monkey will ya stop picking your nose, it’s disgusting!” “NO!” I’m still sitting on the loo…in real life the time that all this has elapsed in is much quicker than how it might seem now…don’t forget I’m using a lot of descriptive words and such. 🙂 “C’mere! Give me that now ” and I make a lunge at him, knickers still round me ankles. He tries to make a dash out the door but I catch him and grab the boogie out of his fingers.

“IT’S MY BOOGIEEEE, I WANT IIIIT! IT’S MY BOOGIEEEEEE! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!” Small Monkey wails. Lord God!! It’s a snot for God’s sake! So of course I ask him what is he going to do with it, carry it round with him all day? YES, he says! Jeezus! There are real tears now and feet stamping over a BOOGIE! The poor child will have a complete meltdown when he’s 21 and the bouncer in the pub tells him he’s had at least 40 mins drinking up and takes his drink!! “IT’SSSS MYYY BOOOGIEEEEE! I WANNNNT IT!”. God almighty, I sort meself out and stand up mumbling about getting no peace and stop being annoying. He’s regained some sort of composure and pipes up “YOU annoy ME!” . By jayzus! I’m smirking all the same.

We’ve progressed to the kitchen now and agreed that I should make dinner. “Right Sausage, what will we have for dinner?”. He still hasn’t forgiven me for thiefing his precious boogie, “I NOT sausage, I *Small Monkey* Ikel Eldridge Monkey Beans”. I smile, to which I’m told it’s not funny. Anyway he climbs up on the chair and says he wants an orange. I tell him no, dinner will only be a few minutes, he says ok. It’s all gravy and I naively head out to get dinner out of the back fridge. 160405010208_wmYep! As you might have guessed, in the two seconds I was gone, he’s bored a hole into an orange trying to peel it. “Oi you farty bum, I said no oranges ’til after dinner” and I take the orange off of him. He didn’t give in easy and wailing ensued again…..ugggggh!! “I WANT A ORANGE! I WANT A ORANGE!”. “Your dinner is nearly ready” (it’s not, it’s about 20mins away but he’s not starving, he’d ate a packet of Wotsits and half an apple about 10mins before “Boogiegate”…..I might hashtag that…#boogiegate…hee hee hee….anywho….) “I DON’T WANT DINNER, I WANT ORANGE! I WANT ORANGE! I. WANT. A. ORANGE!” “Look, your dinner won’t be long ok and then you can have an orange ok?”. Ugh…Gawwwd! He’s killing me with these demands so I try a slightly harder approach….”Monkey, who’s the boss?” ME he says with a little stamp. I give him the eye…ya know like “The Rock” eye and ask him in a slightly sterner voice…”MAMMY the boss”. He’s not impressed as I say yeah Mammy’s the boss and this is not a democracy, “it is a ‘mocracy” was his reply. Aah this kid he kills me.

We’ve reached a moment of peace now, and when I say a moment I mean a moment ‘cos at the very mention of “your dinosaurs are nearly done” the third meltdown follows. Apparently he doesn’t like them, of course he informs me of this in the now customary wailing fashion. ( I really wonder where he gets the “anger” from. Myself and hubster don’t really argue and if we do it’s more a case of us both walking round tick and not talking.) Anyway dinner has eventually appeared (20mins must be 2hrs in toddler time, like in real time, those three arguments were within minutes of each other, possibly less!) we sit there, eating our dinner…yep he’s eating the dinosaurs and I ask the little monkey if he’s calmed down now to which I’m informed he’s not talking to me!!! I reply back with “fine, I’m not talking to you” and we both eat our peas, him looking out at me from under his curly wurly fringe.

“Mammy, can we play snaps now?”

“Of course we can sweetheart”.IMG_20160127_003653

 

Aaaah the joys! ❤ ❤