Travelling with a demon toddler.

Yay! Summer holiday time (Boo! The ridiculous hike upwards in travel prices). Yay if you get to actually get on a plane and go some where! Boo…actually God love ya if, like me, your child, the beautiful angel traveller you thought you knew turns into a monster.160720115046_wm

I can’t start at the beginning because I can’t actually remember our outward journey but by jayzus….the return journey has to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to me whilst travelling. Here we go….

We’re standing in the queue to our already delayed flight, Small Monkey, my Sis and me. There’s some fairly toff-nosed business looking guys behind us and the two cool dudes, my Sis felt were trying to stand on her shoulders in a previous queue ahead of us. Joy of f**king joys lads, this is the beginning of my nightmare. If any of ye know my sis, you’ll know patience is not her strongest point and she wasn’t very impressed with being close to these guys again, Small Monkey is starting to be a butt and they’ve already thrown us a look. Our flight is delayed, Monkey decides he doesn’t want to queue, I don’t blame him, I don’t want to queue either. However wandering off to hang out of a manky rubbish bin is not cool though and, after asking him three times already to come back, I go and drag him back to the queue. He’s not impressed! I’m not bloody impressed either, I now have an unbalanced suitcase leaning on my leg, a gym bag slung over my shoulder, cutting into me and a wiggley worm child hanging out of me. The business guys look on snootily. Monkey is being quite the arse now though to be fair, with shouts like “stop, you’re hurting me” and “letttt meee oooout”. He starts head butting my leg, I’d like to point out here, I dunno where he gets that from. I’ve never head butted anyone except for this one time in third year….I don’t even headbutt hubby when he’s scaling my last nerves! To look at him, you’d think I was skinning him alive. I HATE when he does this to me, it breaks my heart and I feel so cruel, BUT this is an airport and running off to play is not an option. My sister is not impressed now either. I’m not sure if she wants to murder Monkey for being a butt or me for failing to control him. This hurts me too ‘cos I now feel somewhat of a failure but I’m at my wits end. Monkey is now laying on the floor kicking at the Cool Dudes bag! FML!! I know my sister meant well when she started telling him off, but I was cracking under the pressure. The judgey looks from Business Guys, Cool Dudes, the embarrassment that my Sis thinks I’m not firm enough (it’s very hard to be firm with your child in public), the disbelief that my child could do this to me, the heat, the jayzus bags hanging off me…I felt so bad when my reply to her telling him off was “when you have a child and you know what this is like, then you can tell him off, otherwise I’ll deal with him”.

Surprisingly, the further fecking delay to our flight was just the break we all needed. The queue dispersed and we went to sit on the window, where I could now deposit Small Monkey to watch the airplanes. My back was breaking, I was being stubborn, I was now carrying him, who was still tryna get a few headbutts in, the gym bag, which had now indented my shoulder and wheeling the curse-a-god wobbley suitcase. I wanted to cry, I know I was inside.

We’re finally on the plane….guess what? Delayed!!! Sitting on the runway now…thanks for the change of scenery Ryanair. Small Monkey has the window seat, my sister the aisle. In my head I’m singing “butthole child to the left of me, moody sis to right, here I am stuck in the middle, f**k me!”. Monkey is getting fidgety again…he’s playing with the blinds on the windows and wants to get ooooooout!! I do too! Me brain is melting! Woooo! We’re leaving. we’re departing….hail Buddha, Allah and Jesus! I put the seatbelt on fartarse, he’s not impressed but he really kicks up a stink when I tell him the blinds must stay up. By jayzus lads!! I was at the end of my tether, my sis leaned across and told Monkey he was in serious trouble. The rest of the flight was pretty much spent with Monkey crying and SCREAMING to get out, me facing away from my sis and the rest of the plane but dreading looking at my monster child, silently crying. I bribed him with sweets, colouring book and the one thing that would have worked was the f**kity, f**k  f**k ipad thingy (it’s not an actual ipad) which froze literally as Cars started. Things got so bad he eventually got a smack on the hand, which sounded like it echoed all over the plane adding tears of guilt to what already fell.

Thankfully we landed without anybody being murdered or exiting the plane mid Irish Sea. The only thing that made that flight a little better was another passenger telling me, she understood why he was behaving that way and not to worry, it happens. Thank you stranger. xx

You’ve read this far and you think it’s over….so did I lads, so did I. Cue the train journey from hell!! It began with Monkey being a complete bum in the station. This involved more laying and rolling on the floor, planking or flipping backwards violently when I picked him up…more screaming that I was hurting him. It didn’t get any better on the platform….screaming and crying and slapping Mammy. My Sis wasn’t impressed and even started to cry, saying she couldn’t stand seeing him treat me like this. What do you say to that? This made me sad and I felt even more of a d**k parent. The actual train journey didn’t get any better with me having to take him into the little sectioned off 1st class part of the carriage (obvs empty) where we had a little chat involving me taking all a nearly three year olds worldly goods away….eventually he calmed down and apologised to his auntie and me for “shouting & screaming”.160720115640_wm

Still I tearfully phoned hubby and told him to meet us at the station with the buggy…and the cattle prod!

Happy travels peeps! xx




Monkey turns Fartarse!

I pick up a 4pack of Fruit shoots on the way to the till whilst in Deals the other day, unfortunately for me Small Monkey, who will most likely be referred to as Fartarse or Small Butthead (lovingly of course) in the coming lines, spotted them. Ugh!!

“Can I have fruit shoot Mammy? Please Mammy?”

“Yes, sweetheart, Mammy just needs to pay for them first. Put that lolly down please”.

“I have this!”

“No, baby, you have enough now.” I glance down. “For God’s sake Small Monkey, will you put the (unwrapped, broken all over the shelf, piece) of lollipop down now? C’mon be a good boy.”

“I want it!”.

“You can’t have it, now c’mon let’s go, c’mon D” (my nephew was with us), I grabbed Small Monkey’s hand and headed towards the door.

“I want fruit shoot…I want fruuuit shoooot!”

“Yes you can have it, but let’s get back to the car first ok?”.

This is when it happens! This is officially the start of the “public” tantrums. Small Monkey decided he didn’t want to leave Deals, he didn’t want to go to the car and bizarrely  no longer wants the fruit shoot…or so he insisted. I was holding his hand walking towards the exit when he sort of jumps into a half kneel, half stand and shouts “I don’t want to”. He doesn’t want “to go car”. Well, we have to I inform him, trying to drag him up into a stand so we can carry on out the door. He’s not co-operating. I try bribing him with the fruit shoot, he doesn’t want it!!! Wtf?? Isn’t the wanting of a fruit shoot how this whole thing started?? I have to let go of his hand to try get a better grip on him and he’s off…little fart! I go after him (followed by lil nephew, no I haven’t lost him, he was just, thankfully, fairly quiet through the whole ordeal). I grab Small Monkey’s hand, asking if he’d like to be squashed on the road, or taken away by a stranger…does he want Mammy to be sad? Yes is his answer! He has relented though and is holding my hand.

We get out onto the main street and “I wannnt fruit shoot” starts again. I explain we’re going to cross the road and once Grandad picks us up and we’re in car, they can both have one. It’s to cold and it’s going to rain. My answer is not to Small Monkey’s liking so he drops to the half stand-kneeling stance again. I’m getting a bit thick now, but ya know, you gotta make like a cucumber in these situations. I totally understand that he doesn’t fully understand patience but it still doesn’t make me feel any less exasperated.”I carry you” he says. “No Small Monkey, you’re to big and we’re only crossing the road then we’ll get in the car”. “I CARRRRY YOOOOU MAAAMMMYYY!!”.I’m cold and what should be a 5min walk is turning into an ordeal.  I pick him up, fling my bag at me nephew, asking him to carry it, telling Small Butthead he’s being silly and bold. Of course he says “I not silly, YOOU silly”, so as “punishment” for him being a pain in my butt, I tuck him under my arm, like you would a roll of carpet. He dreads that. We cross the road and I grant him his wish of being put down. He’s still going on about this fruit shoot and I’m still saying wait, I’m trying not to crack, trying to stand by the whole “when Mammy says no, she means it” philosophy. “Small Monkey, I Said No, you have to wait!” “I want it!” “well I want a lot of things in life that sadly I just don’t get, your fruit shoot is now the very same for you. Listen to Mammy or you won’t get it at all”. With that, he lies on the path rolling from side to side, not crying, just kind of howling.I tell nephew to ignore Monkey, he’s being bold. People in passing cars are looking at us, I don’t care, he needs to listen. I can see another lady coming with her Ma (?) and kids and I kind of give Monkey a little indication of the direction he needs to roll in now to leave her room to get by in, with my foot. (To be clear, I didn’t kick or shove him, I just put my foot behind him, really to stop him rolling in her way). The woman passed us, and kinda smiled, as did her Ma, I felt it was a knowing “I understand you” kinda smile though. My Ma texts me to come into the Bridge Centre, so I crouch down to speak to Small Monkey. We spend a few minutes deciding if he’s stopped crying/howling yet and if he’s going to walk. It’s a firm no to both, so he gets carried, front facing (which he dislikes again as he can’t see me) down to the centre. His cousin can’t understand Monkey’s boldness today.

Halfway to the centre, he’s calmed down and asks to walk. I set him down, “are you going to be good? Yes. Are you sorry for upsetting Mammy? Yes. Do you love Mammy? Yes. I love you too Sausage. I love you Mammy”. All’s right with the world……for 5 minutes. We’re about to go into the centre, “noooo, I don’t want go in”. Lord jayzus!!!! We go in, he drops fully to his knees and I realise he’s actually sliding along on his knees. Give me strength! I tell him to walk and bribe him with the cursed fruit shoot…it works this time!160303010610_wm

Three days later, I have a similar situation at Gatwick train station. Well it actually started about 10mins before we landed, when Small Monkey decided enough was enough, he didn’t want to wear a seat belt and the window blind should stay closed!! What a f**king nightmare. He’s screaming his beef aloud and just not listening to me, the steward comes over to ask him if he’s ok, a rather sheepish no is his reply, the steward explains we’ll land soon. This little interaction with the steward seems to placate him and I thank the steward. You know as soon as I said thanks, I regretted it. I don’t even know why I said it but once I had I felt like an idiot. Seriously, I felt like he was looking at me with sympathy, but the kind that made me feel inferior, he topped it then with “sometimes, you know, it just takes a man”. I smiled through my teeth.

Annnywhooo….Gatwick train station… we’ve come through the gates and Fartarse decides he doesn’t want to walk. I’m already wheeling the suitcase, wearing a backpack, there’s a handbag slung across my front and I’m trying not to lose my 2yr old! I explain our situation (I don’t shout at him and I try to explain the reasoning behind things rather than tell him off) but of course this doesn’t wash and he drops to his knees and I’m now pushing the suitcase and sliding a toddler along the floor!! FML!!! I give in, tuck my sprawling, screaming child into the aforementioned “carpet roll” and trudge along. He’s screaming to be put down and I do so so I can look at the departure boards and what does he do? At 6.00 in a busy airport train station? He lays on the floor and rolls himself away from me….murder briefly flashes through my mind!!! I go and scoop the little Fart up and he’s not impressed….like has he any idea how IMPRESSED I am right now!!? I again reiterate the cons of going away from Mammy and tell him he’s being bold. Of course, he’s not bold, I am. “Don’t say that Mammy”, he says, “I get down”, he struggles. I tell him no, it’s to dangerous so he starts slapping me. I felt like crying then. I hate when he does that, not that he does it often. I hate it more now that he’s done it in public. I feel like they see him as an uncontrollable brat and me as a walkover who can’t control said brat. (Generally he’s not a brat and he does listen but he is only TWO and he did have a long day travelling). I’m now at the end of my tether (I’ve given ye the short version of the airport events) so I put him down and give him a slap on the hand. Now, before I get reported for child abuse, I don’t mean I gave him a stingy slap or a smack, I don’t really slap him at all. I try the whole getting down to his eye level and talking, I’ve tried the naughty step and as above I try ignoring him but they don’t always work. (Oh I know I’ll hear the whole “well if you slap him, he’ll slap too” spiel BUT it’s a rare thing for my child to be slapped so I don’t understand why he hands slaps out so freely when angry.) We’re both upset now. He’s upset ‘cos I slapped him, (f.y.i…he’s not crying, he’s giving me his I-know-I’ve-done-wrong but-I’m-not-saying-sorry look.) I’m upset cos I felt like that’s all I had and people will now look at me like I’m a monster.

I hold out my hand , he takes it and asks if we can go on the magic stairs.

I love him all the world my little fartarse Monkey.