I learned today that another couple we know are due their second baby, their first is 7mths old. Now I don’t know why it hit me today, well maybe it was the fact that when I said it to Hubster, he said “yeah I know” with a sigh. A kind of longing sigh. I felt bad. I feel bad because all around us people who were pregnant around when I was are now baking their second or have cooked one or even two since then.
I was 5mths pregnant when Hubby’s sister had her 1st and a week after our Small Monkey turned two, she had her 3rd. His cousin, who gave birth 4mths after me, had her 2nd two weeks before Small Monkey’s 2nd birthday. Said friend’s mentioned above, had their 1st 7mths ago and are currently baking another, even my friend E, mother of Little E, Small Monkey’s bestie, has had her 2nd lil boy. It seems we’re falling behind.
I feel bad for Small Monkey, he’s still an only child. I look at him playing and sometimes I well up, because I see him alone. Is he lonely? I mean he has one or two little friends but when he’s indoors and Daddy’s at work and I’m making dinner or busy…is he lonely? I feel bad for Hubby ‘cos I know if he’d had his way we would’ve had kids long ago but it’s me holding us back. Don’t get me wrong, I do want more kids (I’d always thought I’d have 5!!) and I love this little man of ours to the tiniest bits and pieces, but I’m a worrier and kind of a planner, not that we had a set plan for Small Monkey’s arrival, but I worry. I worry about money, of course, don’t we all? (do we all?) How will we cope? Childcare is so expensive, we get no government help, would I have to give up work? Could we cover all our outgoings? We’d probably have to move again. How would I cope? I suffered a bit from PND (but that’s another story), would it come back? I also had boarderline pre-eclampsia, ya know high blood pressure, swollen feet and hands. I had gestational diabetes (I’m currently working on not having that again too…but another story for another day). My umbilical cord was ageing quicker than Small Monkey, meaning it could shrivel and die before he was ready to come out. Would all of these issues come back? Before I went on maternity leave the last time, I’d all my debts (not that I’d many) paid off, I was never in my overdraft and I had a grand saved. Not much in the grand scheme of things, I guess but it was mine to do with what I wanted, to fall back on, now I can’t even keep £100 in my savings. I have a couple of small things to pay off now and selfishly my first girlie holiday in October, that I’d like to have out of the way before I start baking again. Is that wrong of me? Selfish? I mean once you’re cooking things get a little more complicated, your own life is not yours, I mean it’s not yours once you have a child but it’s really not just yours when a child is still in you. I just want to be a little more sorted and yes I do want to go on this holiday. I mean it’s me who’d be carrying our little bean, the greatest change of all during this time will be to me so is it unfair that I’m currently holding back a little?
Actually now that I’ve written this down and re-read it, maybe alot of it is I’m a little scared. Maybe some of the problems I had during my pregnancy scare me a little plus I only had hubby to cry on, of course I had my family and my besties but they all live to far away and sometimes texting is not enough (not that I don’t really appreciate all of those texts and phonecalls and visits when ye could xxx). I know too, that it’s really not a race between us all but if my heart ruled over my brain I’d definitely be pregnant now.
There is no right time and I’ll probably never be sorted but I’m allowed to try, although I will only try for so much longer and then it’s onnnnn! Crank up the Barry White Hubilicious!!
I know too that there are some not so fortunate as me, to have managed to have one child, never mind to be worrying about another, so I am sorry to you especially, if that’s you, that you took the time to read this and listen to my selfish whining about falling behind.