Wedding guest prep….eeek!

‘Tis the eve before the wedding and in my house….the poop has hit the fan. Why is it when you’re going somewhere nothing goes to plan? Eugh!

Firstly let me just say, I finally attempted the self tan. I managed to get hold of some Cocoa Brown Tan whilst I was home. I’m going to review in another post, but for now let me just tell you, I’m cooking.

The Facebook hair tutorial was easy when you tried it last week whilst cleaning the bathroom…but now…ha haa…now! By jayzus if I could bic it, I would. So I search for something else, I always either wear my hair in a pony or just straighten it, I wanted something a bit different. There are so many to choose from once you hit yoooou toooob. The styles I like though, of course require a thicker head of hair. Aaaaagh…hair…I hate you so much right now! (Did you just sing that to the scream of Kelis? Yep! Good…that’s what I was going for.) Eugh…something will work in the morning.

Still cooking.

I decide to paint my nails. I apologise now to nail technicians everywhere for the 20150531_233737-1state of my nails anyway. So anywho… It’s rare that I do this, I have a weird index and middle finger on each hand…they point off to the left and the right, but my other fingers are straight.(It doesn’t bother me, apart from I think they look strange). Plus my nail care regime is poop, as you can see in the pics. I seen this really cool facebook tutorial that I’m going to try. You dab 2-4 colours on a makeup sponge and then press the sponge onto your nail. Simples! Heh heh…not for meeee! I mean it worked but my colour combo just made me look like I had gangrene or something. 20150530_002643-1Dammit! Oh well, I’ll remove it and go plain. Easy peasy you say…nah ah! The gangrene nail varnish has dried on my fingers around my nails too and although it’s coming off with the remover, there’s blue and orange trapped down the sides of my nails, under them and in my cuticles. Cue my sister rubbing the hell outta my nails with a pointy cotton bud. Ouch! Right so gangrene gone, I’ll paint them blue. I paint my right, my sis paints my left. I need them dry asap, I’m getting annoyed with them now so I do the cold water trick. Fill the sink in cold water, dip in wet nails. Viola! Done! Feels dry, yes, won this time nails, screw you! Ha ha say my nails…no chance, after drying them in the towel, the paint on a couple of nails has dragged. Fecking hellfire! It’s ok, the second coat will hide it…hahahahaha! This was such a bad idea. It just emphasises how bad my nails are…but feck it now it’s hiding the mess the orange and blue left behind. *sigh* 150531111829

Tip: pick colours that work together better and remove nail polish on fingers before it dries.

Ping! I’m cooked. I hop in the shower 3hrs later to rinse off the tan. Hmm, I’m not seeing too much of a glow. I ask my sister, you still look white. Ah for jayzus sake! I obviously just repel any kind of tan, real or fake. Like seriously lads, the Spanish obviously didn’t hit up to many of my ancestors when the Armada bounced of the west coast. Still, though I’m going to give the tan another run when I’m better prepared.

Next morning, in the cold light of day, yep, I can’t see much of a difference, on go IMG-20150523-WA0006the nude tights…..oooh my hands look nice and golden. Make-up done, looking ok even if my skin did decide to have some sorta mental break down and choose now to become dry and scaley. I got round it, 10 tonnes of moisturiser later and a little help from the sister…onto the wig! Right, lets try the knot thingy we seen on FB and go from there. My sister proceeds to tie bunches of my hair together in knots, all the time saying, eugh, it’s so wiry or it reminds me of our brother’s hair that time, when we used to call him mushroom head. Great stuff, thanks sis. Anywho with a few twists and loops and a couple butterflies (to hide the sticky out bits) later, I’m ready and I don’t look three bad!

Haaa body! I won!!!
Haaa body! I won!!!
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The Quest to be a Golden Child

IMG_20150510_001320Yep…summer’s a coming! It can only mean one thing…my yearly battle to look less white! This year, though it seems more important, like I NEED to succeed. See, I’ve lost a little weight, my friend’s wedding is looming, it’s mine and hubby’s first official baby-free outting since Monkey was born (22mths ago!!!), so I wanna look the SHIZZLE! Plus IF I succeed it means I don’t have to explain to my work colleagues that the reason I’m still wearing tights  (nude, of course…it is summer!) is, if I were to go without the sun’s rays reflecting off them would surely blind them.

I begin with a total body scrub down…twice…ya know…cos I’m coming outta winter (and don’t do it nearly as often as I should). Then have a wash with me nice “give your skin a drink” as I like to call it, shower gel….shave legs, etc…wash again and out I get. I feel smoooooth, like a baby’s bum. Right, so, simple enough…rub on in circles, evenly, like moisturiser. Wash hands immediately, don’t want stains in between me fingers. Grand job. Done. Smells ok. Do a little dance, scan hairline for an visible grey hairs whilst giving “the bod” time to dry.

Next morning, checking myself out to see just how much of a “glow” I have…hmmm….can’t notice any difference really…oh, ah…wait…yes! I have two orange “stains” about the size of 50p’s on my knees. Fan-fecking-tastic!! Slipping my watch onto my wrist…..wahey…guess what…I have oompah loompah wrists!!! I don’t understaaaand!!! I did everything the bottle said….blah…the only things glowing right now are my knees and wrists!!! And it’s not even a sexy glow…jayzus!! Ok, I’m not giving up that easy. I give it a day and before bed the next night and apply another coat, taking care to pretty much leave out my knees and lower arms. Third morning in…woooo….my arms look like they’ve picked up a light tan….yay!! I notice later in the day though, my hands have never looked as white…booooo!!

I’m now planning on trying (once Superdrugs has it back in) the Cocoa Brown range recommended by Bebhinn from A Judge Less Life. Fingers crossed or should I just be content to have no white bits and be proud of being “one big white bit”?

What ye guys think?

Can I be your Spacefriend too?

If like me you have a small monkey, it’s most likely Sky+ and apps like Netflix & 150507124458ShowBox are your new best friend, if of course you get a minute to actually sit and watch them. Most of my viewing is done between the hours of 9.30 annnnnd dawn. My daytime tv consists of, and this is if we’re not out gallavanting or creating of course, mostly Nick Jr or Comedy Central orrrr jayzus sports channels. Anywho, somewhere between 8 and 9, in the twilight between Peppa and Max & Ruby, a “filler inner” cartoon comes on. You seen it? It’s…ah ooh …just remembered it’s called Big Block Sing song. I find it very strange…I mean the teeth one is pretty good…”if you never brush, n you’re always in a rush, your teeth will end up in an ugly pile of mush”….but the bat one and especially the Spacefriend one baffle me. I’ve grown to like them and small monkey seems to enjoy them but I really feel like I need to have had smoked a doobie to fully appreciate them!

Does anybody else feel like that?
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May the 4th….

Ok. Yes. I know…I’m a little behind but none the less I still need to mention the day that celebrates one of my most favourite films ever. Star Wars Day! Yeeesss!! I even considered ringing in sick just so I could indulge in the Star Wars marathon Sky was airing. It would go like this….

Cough, cough, splutter….ugh, Hi Cal…cough, cough. Mrs Eldridge, what’s up? wheeeeze, cough, ugh Cal, I’m not well at all. You sound a bit rough alright, whats up with ya? Hearty cough…cough….I’ve got something called Cantrosian-scratch Fever…burning up so I am…sigh. What’s that then? Ugh Cal, cough…it normally only lasts 48hrs, but you….wheeeeze, cough….ugh it’s so hot….pick it up from a dirty scratch like, ya know when you’re outside and that. Cough, cough, cough. It burns you up, I’ve no energy, couldn’t face customers today. Ah it you never ring in sick Don, listen, take it easy, you sound awful. (Obligatory sympathy cough and snuffle from me there.) I’ll let Gaz know, get to bed now. Ugh thanks Cal.

It really doesn’t matter that I have all the dvds.

Now to bribe the monkey into kinda letting me watch them in peace.

Anyway…my day was spent at work and I digress.

Halloween 2014 is approaching, I now have a small moving child (Padawan) to dress up. There is only one option. A Star Wars costume….hmm…baby Darth Vader? A baby Yoda? Or a little furry Wookie? I went with Yoda. OMG I couldn’t wait for Halloween! It finally arrived, I dressed the Monkey in his tiny robe and popped his Yoda hat on his head. He wasn’t overly impressed but he went with it much to my joy. Of course he had the coolest costume in the village that night. He looked so cute toddling round. I was delighted, of course EVERYBODY got it…appreciated it….that was until 2 doors from the end of our outing some little 8yr olds go “aw loooook, hes dressed as Shrek!” SHREK!!! FECKING SHREK!!! C’mon!!! Ok they’re both green, both wear white and brown, but Shrek’s got 2 weird sucker things for ears….Yoda clearly has ears…long pointy ones and wears a bloody robe. Eugh! I was DISGUSTED!!!

IMG-20141031-WA0006Educate your kids peeps! Yoda is NEVER to be confused with Shrek!

I’m blogging because…..

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I want to and have wanted to for a few years now. I wanted to be three things when I was younger.

1) Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen . I wanted to paint and decorate and make things beautiful. I wanted to revamp crappy old stuff and create multi-coloured barcodes on walls. I wanted to do all this wearing the most outlandish stand out clothes I could so people knew it was me. So I came to London, on holiday but let my cousin talk me into checking out all “Llewelyn” related courses up the road at LSBU. There were loads! Did I sign up? Nope! A 4 year course is to long for me Deb, I won’t be here that long……….15yrs later…..still here….coulda done it 4 times over. *sigh* (I did do loadsa C&G courses in the end though)

2) Indiana Jones. Yep….he (still) is soooo cool and I still wanna be him. Going on adventures, finding cool stuff…the unofficial superhero of antiques and mythical things that need saving.

3) A Writer. I’ve always loved books. I love reading them and I want to write them, one day. I like writing to. I am a list maker, a collector of fancy notebooks and pretty pens with all big plans to fill them with weird and wonderful, deep and meaningful stories. I will write for young and for old. So here I am, a technophobe, trying to make her way in the world of blogging. A step onto the ladder of writing maybe…..hopefully. I gotta start somewhere and since becoming a Mammy I’ve found I have a phone in my hand a whole lot more, so why not use it to try and accomplish one of my dreams and write?! (That makes me sound like I ignore my child, I don’t….but that’s a post for another day).

So guys, I ask ya to bear with me on this, I’m a newbie but with the help of my lovely, tech-savvy friends (Courtney, Ash…kiss kiss) I’ll get this!

Love

Donna x