Wooooo-ooo-oooooo! Halloween is upon us so I thought I’d share with you some wise considerations when building or moving home. This detailed list was drawn up one dreary night in an auld English pub many moons (by moons, I mean years…when I say years I mean 3yrs ago). Many drinks were drank, many thoughts were thunk but between the five of us, we may just save your life!
When viewing or building the house;
- Don’t buy/build your house in the middle of nowhere, i.e up a country lane on its own. Your neighbours should be within screaming distance.
- Don’t buy/build your house surrounded by cornfields, woods or bog, oh graveyards aren’t ideal either and watch out for ancient burial sites.
- It’s unwise to move to somewhere that was previously an asylum, school or church, especially dating older than the 1980’s.
- Somebody was murdered there? Why? Why would you even consider living there?
- Don’t buy/build a house with lots of floor length windows or doors with long panes of glass in them. Less windows =less entry points. Wood/metal doors= durability against the axe murderer trying to get in.
- Don’t buy/build a house with a large chimney flue…anybody…ANYTHING could crawl down it and get you.
- Don’t buy a house with long dark hallways, you think because they’re straight you can see what’s there? WRONG!! It’s a long way to the end! Long dark stairways are also a no especially if creaky.
- If it’s got weird symbols drawn on the walls – LEAVE!
- If doors randomly swing open and slam closed – LEAVE!!
- If your dog doesn’t like it…yeah you guessed it…LEAVE!! Animals know stuff!
You’ve moved in;
- If you start losing your phone signal and lights start flickering…Good Luck!
- Don’t mess about with old games/books found lurking in the darkest corners of the attic or basement, belonging to previous owners.
- Always keep a good supply of salt in the house, along with something silver, preferably sharp and a crucifix.
- Make sure to test your torches batteries regularly and keep a good supply of spares.
- Don’t watch horror movies alone.
- If you decide to go ahead and watch the movie, it’s best to sit behind the door so you can see what’s coming in before it sees you. A good amount of scatter cushions also helps for hiding behind.
- If you hear weird noises in the attic, don’t stick your head up there – you’ll be decapitated!
- Don’t go checking out weird noises alone. Go with back up and armed with more than a torch.
- If your back-up buddy is being murdered, don’t hang around watching, there’s ample time now for you to run. You can mourn them later if you survive!
- Don’t repeat certain names whilst standing in front of a mirror three times…you know the ones!
Decorating the new gaff;
- Remove any large expensive looking chandeliers, they will mysteriously drop on you.
- That big ancient looking Grandfather clock at the bottom of the stairs, the previous owners left behind – cool right? Nah! Get rid!
- Creepy old paintings of ancient relatives, medieval “knights slaying weird creature” type paintings, weird ritualistic or holy looking paintings should also be removed.
- Paintings like American Gothic (the farmer & wife one) and The Crying Boy (little blonde kid) painting, ya know paintings that seem to follow you, have no place in your home.
- 2ft high Holy statues that have seen better days can be relegated to the nearest church if they want them. ( Sorry Nanny Moo but they scared the crap outta me!).
- Stuffed animals! NO!
- Don’t install a plug socket in your bathroom. No socket – no hairdryer – no random electrocution whilst bathing! Simples!
- Don’t decorate your bathroom with tiny black and white tiles, and then install a claw footed bath tub….that’s asking for a blood spattering! (Sorry Sam!)
- If you have net curtains, hang proper lined curtains too. If you have blinds, there’s no need for scalloped edge or decorative “holes” along the bottom, a good old plain full coverage blind is safest. If you can’t see out, they can’t see in!
- If you have a cellar and must use it, put full, proper stairs in, get rid of those old “gappy” stairs, you know the ones where something can grab your ankle as you walk down them.
- If you have an old, old, olllld boiler in the cellar that looks like a creepy face when lit up, get rid of it. It’s probably illegal now anyway. You should also get rid of any suspicious looking jars of gunk hanging out down there too.
- When going to bed at night & you feel a bit squiddley, like there’s something behind you, don’t look back, just walk. If you acknowledge it, it exists!
- When buying a bed, buy a divan, they’re not all that sexy BUT nothing can lurk under them.
- If you must be a fashionista and go for a bed frame, DO practice running and jumping onto it from at least a yard away…less chance of something grabbing your ankles.
- Position your bed away from the opening door, preferably behind it (see You’ve moved in,#6).
- If you have a partner, let them sleep closest to the door – look after No1!
- Always sleep with a duvet/blankets and make sure your toes are always covered – less chance of being dragged off into the night that way!
- Good old fashioned, going up to check the baby works far better than baby monitors/cameras. Using them is just asking for things to be seen & heard!
- If your child says there’s a boogeyman in the wardrobe, there’s a good chance there is…you should leave now.
- If you can hear children crying/laughing but you have none…LEAVE!
- If you have a little girl with long dark hair and a tendency to sleepwalk, don’t give her long white nightdresses to wear. It will scare the crap outta ya!!
- There is just no need, NO NEED for your child to have a room full of china dolls especially vintage!
Other points to consider;
- If your car should break down in front of a creepy, old house, don’t expect help, expect to die! Horribly!
- If a stranger knocks on your door, dressed mainly in black and looking very pale, DON’T invite them in!
- Don’t expect to live very long if you insist on walking around in your underwear, in front of windows without drawing the curtains!
- Don’t mistake all wailing outside to be the foxes getting jiggy, it could be the Banshee, she tends to follow the O’s and the Mac’s/Mc’s especially. Stay inside!!
So that’s it really, some handy pointers there to help keep you alive for longer. I’d like to thank my brother’s Phil, Glenn & Steve and their (our) buddy Karl for their contributions to this piece. People will be safer because of you guys.
For other handy tips and ways to kill various demons, I seriously suggest you go ahead and watch Supernatural (there’s also lots of eyecandy in there!)
Stay safe, stay alive,